I’m a coach for individuals and businesses, specialising in positivity – and I had a very challenging incident to deal with yesterday.  OMG guys. I made a COMPLETE fool of myself in a gorgeous restaurant last night.

Our son’s girlfriend had very kindly asked if we would go out for dinner as her treat.  How kind!  She had chosen a delightful location called Pizzeria Libretto – on Ossington, Toronto and she drove us there in her car.

It was a lovely place – and absolutely brimming with people – queues out the door even on a Monday night.  As we stood in line, we watched the most wonderful pizzas being served and eagerly anticipated ours in due course.  Great stuff.

Something happened though and by the time I sat at our table, the furthest end of the restaurant, I was aware of feeling a bit unwell.  Oh no, I didn’t want to spoil this special evening out!  So I smiled and nibbled on bread and thought that I could take some of my pizza home as I didn’t feel that hungry.  The first course was brought to the table (by the world’s most handsome waiter, surely?) and everyone else tucked in.

Then events began to overtake us.  I was hot. Anyone else hot?  I was fanning myself with paper.  Others started to fan me too. There was a ringing noise in my ears and my skin felt prickly and my legs wobbly.  I don’t feel too good, I whispered.  Mum, are you alright?  I could hear but couldn’t answer or open my eyes. I was gone.

Out of the blue I fainted and then, deep joy, ‘came to’ a bit and promptly threw up all over myself & the entire table. Many, many times. It wasn’t pretty.

BUT…there’s such a silver lining that followed, that it turned this embarrassing and horrid experience into something so special, I’ll treasure it.

As soon as I became ill, hubby, son and girlfriend became the most extraordinary care team, supporting me, supporting each other, liaising with the restaurant staff and just dealing effortlessly with the whole situation.  You’d think they had rehearsed.  They were SO kind and reassuring, dealing with mess and chaos discretely and positioning themselves in such a way to form a barrier to other diners in the restaurant.  The girlfriend even got wet tissues to wipe away mascara from under my eyes – thank you sweetie!  At the same time, the restaurant staff instantaneously changed the order as one ‘to go’…and simply facilitated the whole event in an understated, professional way.  10 out of 10 to them for their help in our crisis – not to mention the fact that they even packaged up a dessert to go with the pizzas too!

Outside it became clear that I couldn’t get into the car in the messy state I was in, so I had the interesting experience of stripping off my clothes in a side street and redressing in just my coat – watched rather closely by an oriental tramp who even crossed the road to get a better look!  Home we went after that and I was so lucky to have son and hubby continue to care for me with such love, attentiveness and kindness throughout the night – that I felt absolutely blessed.  Iced water, straws, bucket, damp cloth for my forehead, supportive, lifting arms and reassuring loving words all flowed for hours and hours – and although I truly felt like death warmed up, I had a great big smile on my face. And the CN Tower which has been in plain colours for days on end – was suddenly putting on a glorious rainbow show – surely just for me, too!  Bliss.

What’s that Og Mandino quote?  “I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness because it shows me the stars.”  Well, stars I had last night – great big magical ones, in absolute abundance.  I wish for stars in dark times for you too.  And me?  Today, I’m just resting in PJs, sipping on water and lounging about – but I still have an enormous smile etched on my face that just won’t go away.

I love my work as a trainer (particularly in communication skills, public speaking and network presentations) but right now I’m very excited about my forthcoming e-book:

PARENTING BY STEALTH (because DO AS I SAY BECAUSE I SAY SO doesn’t work any more!)

Click here too, for more info about PARENTING BY STEALTH plus  Launch Details re the forthcoming e-book: Parenting by Stealth – packed with creative tools for the parenting tool box.

However, in the first place, perhaps I should point out the obvious:

I am not a perfect parent.    Sigh!

My children (two creative, spirited lads currently aged 25 and 20) think it’s hilarious that I ‘dare’ to tell other parents how to parent, when they clearly think I’ve made loads of massive errors in that department! And they’re probably right. So I’m not going to tell anyone how to do anything but instead, present to you some creative strategies that may well prove to be most interesting and useful tools for your parenting tool box. And we can never have too many of them!

I’ve called it Parenting by Stealth because, if you have sassy, quick-witted, eloquent, technologically-able children – who may well be cleverer than you (our oldest can certainly out-argue us any day of the week!)…then traditional ‘Do As I Say Because I Say So’ methods, won’t cut it any more. This generation do not respect their elders just because they ‘ought’ to (even the tiny children!)…they know their own mind and aren’t afraid to express it – and that’s how one of our boys ended up with 26 detentions given to him in just one week at school!!

Apparently Stealth Parenting is also a modern term for performing childcare duties whilst pretending to be at a business meeting or other work-related function.  Ah – if you’re looking for info or a book on that…this isn’t it! This is about finding creative ways to provide guidance, support and sometimes boundaries…without it being a win-lose situation and maybe without the kids even noticing that that is what you’re doing.

So, if you’ve tried all the ‘old methods’, the ways that maybe worked (or maybe didn’t) on you as a youngster….then read on for some new tools for your tool box to help guide our amazing youngsters through the minefield of growing up.

For excerpts from the forthcoming e-book: Parenting By Stealth, click here and scroll down.    I’m running a course on Parenting Strategies in November too which might be of interest.   However, in the interim – I do hope you like the radio show!   I haven’t heard it myself yet (except when it came out of my mouth!) so I’ll be interested to listen in too!

I’m fortunate enough not to have personal experience of divorce and the legal system courts, CAFCASS and such-like (my husband’s shouting out: YET!).  However, from the little I’ve learned, there isn’t much on offer in the way of emotional support throughout the process, for the adults and children involved.

How can that be? With such a roller-coaster of emotions to negotiate, it’s come as a real surprise to me that there isn’t a well-established coaching system already in place for this in the UK – as the ‘norm’.

CLIENTS TOO TEARFUL TO MAKE DECISIONS

I have recently been in discussions with the matrimonial dept of a large firm of solicitors, with the possibility of becoming part of the extended team available to clients, who might benefit from supportive coaching.  It was their idea and a very creative one too.  One solicitor told me that sometimes clients are too tearful for it to be appropriate to press for important decisions to be taken at such a time.  Indeed, using your solicitor’s office as a counselling room, could be an expensive therapy, methinks.

DIVORCE COACHES

Apparently other countries (eg Canada) have Divorce Coaches available to ‘see you through’ the turmoil of the process and out the other side as resourcefully and emotionally intact as possible.  What a great idea!

NLP-BASED COACHING – WOULD THIS BE OF USE?

So I’m thinking that I will extend my services to cover this aspect.  Without any accurate research as yet, my guess is that the services I already offer, may well encompass exactly what’s needed.  This is about supportive and caring NLP-based coaching sessions, whereby I help people deal with anger, sadness, guilt, regret and lack of ability to trust.  I coach people who have had the rug pulled out from under them.  I facilitate others to see the wood for the trees or find their inner confidence/self-esteem and move forward.  I coach children and adults who are lost souls or are living with fear and uncertainty.  I see children with nightmares or with clingy, unsure behaviour, always afraid to give an answer, in case it might be wrong. Not my area of expertise, but I have helped a few self-harming children too, as well as others with eating disorders.   So, as I say, my guess is that these might be some of the aspects that possibly need addressing during a divorce….but perhaps you can let me know whether I’m right or not?

MOVING OUT OF THE COMFORT ZONE

Under all circumstances though, divorce is change and change is challenging and requires an adjustment of the comfort zone.   It must surely be of help, therefore, to speak to someone impartial, non-judgemental and willing to really, really listen without ‘you should do this and that’ responses.

FIRST UK DIVORCE COACH?

So I’m up for setting sail in this direction and wonder, will I be the first Divorce Coach in the UK or are there others of you out there already?

NLP – evil or good?

I put out a tweet asking for suggestions for a new blog topic for this NLP-based coaching blogsite of mine…and received a reply asking if I could somewhat restore someone’s faith in NLP/practitioners because this tweeter had seen too many examples of NLP being used in a manipulative way. Oh dear!! That’s not good! Not good at all.

GORDON GEKKO:

It had never occurred to me that there was a school of thought out there about this amazing form of transformational coaching being used for ‘evil’ not good. How naive of me! Of course….ANYthing can be misused, so why not this? If I was sent on an NLP in business course by a ‘Gordon Gekko’s greed is good’ type of company…then there never would be an intention to use the techniques for helpful coaching of others…it would all be about unfair manipulation to make money. Trance talk and matching/mirroring techniques for example, could be very powerful and persuasive in a sales situation.

EVIL NLP:

I’ve trawled around the internet under the topic ‘Evil NLP’ and I’ve been staggered to see some vehemently negative comments proclaiming it to be oversold, overhyped and misused by NLP supersalesmen/sharks…getting rich…making big claims…and …hurting people without ethical restrictions. Oh my.

Well in fairness, it’s not the NLP techniques themselves that are “evil” – it’s all a question of their use and the intention by the user. The expression ‘if it works, it’s NLP’ would apply to both ‘good’ and ‘evil’ use, naturally. Dr Shipman comes to mind – skills/talent/learning contra-used.

NLP SKILLS:

Personally, I was interested in learning these skills for the purpose of self-development and for coaching others towards happier and more successful lives. I haven’t regretted doing so for a single moment and the learning has shaped my life differently, and that of my family too. It’s given me a sense of resourcefulness for tackling life’s hurdles and a great ‘eat the elephant one bit at a time’ mentality, to overcome ‘mentally projected’ barriers. It’s given me a career too and a powerful set of tools with which to help others. And I do. I really do help others. And sometimes it’s been a life-saver for the people I meet – truly. Adults, children, business folk, bereaved, lonely, phobic, lost, shy, anxious, wounded, stressed, sad, limited, bullied, angry, confused…people for whom the rug has been pulled out from under them and people who have forgotten who they are. And then there are those who just want to be even more confident, feel even more focussed, give better presentations and achieve their goals faster – and I facilitate them too using my NLP-based coaching. It’s a joy.

One little girl arrived, not having laughed for over a year. Her mother was waiting in another room – and heard her daughter able to, at last, laugh out loud during our coaching session. Another client arrived heavy-heavy with thoughts and sadness, and later floated lightly and smiling back to their car. My chef husband notices the way people arrive and the different way they leave and, in the beginning, used to say: “Tell me again, WHAT are you doing with them in that room of yours?”

Other clients have left healthier – and one example is a lady who arrived streaming with profound Hay Fever, having had this for over 20 years – and left 30 minutes later without it (and it’s never returned in the last 4 years). One of my agoraphobic clients was unable to leave their house at all – and so I coached them simply with a few emails and after two days – they went to London on the train! What?! Yes, even I’m surprised, amazed, delighted with some of the results and I’m not a cynic!

I’m not as well-read as some other NLP master practitioners. I’m more about the ‘doing’ than the ‘theory’. I probably blur together one or two techniques. I don’t remember the formal names of some of the methodologies either. But no matter – I coach from the heart, with creativity and care.

THANK YOU:

So, back to the original tweet and tweeter. Thank you. You’ve opened my eyes to a whole different viewpoint out there about this NLP stuff that I hold dearly. And I should have known – ‘the map is not the territory’ and all those presuppositions that NLPers quote. Well, my map has this coaching clearly marked as ‘good’, nay, ‘great’, when used with integrity, elegance, appropriateness, kindness and even a bit of love. I hope that THAT can be your future experience of NLP too. Will you give it another chance?

We used to keep a pair of goats and sadly, one of them died, leaving us with a single goat. However an ‘alone’ goat is a sad goat to be sure and when Gordon passed away leaving just Bennett, the lonely goat was so distressed our only options were for us to either move into his stable with him – or have him move into the house with us. We chose the latter (hmm – ever seen a goat watch TV – I have!) ….and next day we urgently found Bennett a companion goat (Joshua!) to both live outside!

Goats aren't the only flocking animal - are you one?

Well, goats aren’t the only ‘flocking’ animal; it can be vital for all of us to be connected to others too. That doesn’t mean we can’t live alone – but it refers to someone, some group, something…to whom we can feel connected? For some of us this is a partner and maybe children. For others it may be extended family. Then there’s Facebook or Friends Reunited…being a football team supporter… having colleagues at work…owning a pet…and of course, religion – a sense of being part of God’s family.

Sometimes it’s in the sharing of a story with friends, or the showing of the holiday photos to the family, that it can all be enjoyed even better than the original experience – have you noticed that?

Even if you are a Lighthouse Keeper, it’s important to have some sense of connection on this planet. Actually, that should be: especially if you’re a Lighthouse Keeper! Indeed, beware the absolute loner who has no tie-ups at all….the person whom the neighbours have no idea who they are…for that can spell trouble.

Well, it seems that our goats knew a thing or two. So just take a moment to think about your ‘connectedness’ – and if it’s looking a little sparce, why not consider joining a club, volunteering with a group or finding some other way to connect to a few more people for chat, camaraderie and laughs. Go on, my friend. It’ll do you good!

It’s a poor NLP pun, this spelling of ought-ism -  but it’s a good reminder to notice when we use the words ‘ought’, ‘must’ or ‘should’.  They are reproachful sticks to beat ourselves with!

Chocolate cake?  I ought not to

I should be half a stone lighter

I must ring my mother

I ought to clean this car

Ought, must and should can be about levels of behaviours, guilty consciences and failed benchmarks.

I met a lady who loves to read – but hears a voice in her head every time she opens a book:  Ann: you should do the washing up first….or….  Ann: you ought to do the ironing before you read.

Well, according to whom?

So firstly, let’s establish: there are no Ought Police.  You actually do have choice.  Do you WANT to read right now and choose to wash up another time?  Fair enough.  Do you WANT that cake with both its delicious taste and its calories?  It’s up to you!  You must ring your mother, must you?  Well, you can choose to, or not to, and there may or may not be consequences: but you DO have the choice.

So be wary of creating your own Nanny State full of ought, must and should rules.  What do you choose to do?  What do you choose not to do?  It’s good to have options!

A friend of mine has recently been widowed and this has, understandably, pushed her into an unthinkable world of ‘how will I cope’.  Another friend’s husband had a stroke and the resulting effects are likely to be life-long.   A third pal has a handicapped child who will need care throughout her life.   Another friend has debt problems.  Others have relationship difficulties.  These are great mountains indeed.   In fact even without such major complications to deal with in life, for many, there are daily accumulations of small problems, building up and up until something comes along as the ‘final straw’ to our ability to cope.

These are times when problems can seem so huge, they are impossibly insurmountable.  There is no solution, no way to ‘be’. 

I’m not about to make light of any of the problems described.  They are grim and they are real.  However, when the future looks impossible and the task of living is so very hard – how do you function?  Well, it’s the answer to the age-old riddle: How do you eat an elephant?  One bite at a time.  One second at a time, then one minute a time, then one hour, one day – living and making the best decisions and actions that you can manage at each given moment.  

And even without the ‘big’ life problems to tackle, it’s easy to let our fears and imagination, create elephants which perhaps, aren’t really elephants.  Have you created any large grey animals lately?  Could they, in fact, be deconstructed and turned into bite-sized problems which may turn out, after all, to be tackle-able?

People tell me about the knots in their stomachs and we sometimes metaphorically pull them out and look at them.  Usually the description is about the knot being comprised of a tangle of all sorts of small problems grouped together in a horrible mass…….and they just need to be untangled and dismantled and the knot begins to go away, because separated, the problems look smaller and able to be tackled.

If you have a mountain to climb and no helicopter, then it’s just going to have to be one step at a time.  So break the problems down into smaller separate ‘steps’ or ‘elephant bites’ – and work out what is in your power to tackle.   Then decide which is the first small action you can take that will make a difference….and off you go.   Remember, no elephants!  They mess up the butter in the fridge with their footprints anyway.

That Elusive Self-Motivation

Why do anything? Let’s just play Solitaire, fiddle about on Facebook and get some snacks and coffee. Yay. Then let’s spend ages creating a really beautiful To Do List, perhaps involving lovely boxes, pretty colours and marvellous fonts. Oh and there’s a TV programme to clear off Sky Plus, so it would be good to release the space, eh? Hey, and it’s time for another coffee now!

Oh, the wonderful world of trivia and excuses – it’s endless!

So, if you’re someone who could run a Masterclass in putting things off – here are some food-for-thought morsels for you:

Some people are very ‘towards’, very goal-oriented. They figure out what they want, prioritise it effectively and then go-go-go until they reach the goal. Go them!

On the other hand, some of us are more ‘away from’ – ie motivated much more by what will happen if we don’t do something! What are the consequences of NOT doing the task? Hmm. Stick or carrot. Pleasure or pain. Forward towards the goal, or away from the consequences of not doing it?

Perhaps even more basic would be why you want/need to do the task anyway. Why is it important at all? What’s the result of doing it/not doing it – and which of these are bigger for you?

Here’s a few more questions, whilst we’re about it:

If there’s a problem stopping you from getting the task done – what are your limitations in solving it? Can you solve it? What do you need? Get it. Sort it. Organise your world to be able to have everything required. Good.

You may also need to take into account your best time of day for working (I’m a morning girl on the whole)…and protect that time. It’s not a new idea (check out Brian Tracy’s words) but tiny little distractions WILL keep on appearing all day long to steal away your attention and time, if you’ll let them (‘ping’ there’s a new tweet… ‘ring’, there’s a call…….now emails, and the post..visitors…lunch..). So create a cocoon and a really effective working environment that’s right for you. I have to have peace and quiet and no disturbances and need to work at a computer. My son likes loud drum and bass music and has to walk around constantly, to generate his creative processes!

So, if you’ve worked out why it’s important for you to achieve the goal….you’ve created the right environment, resources and time of day for you…..what else might be in the way?

Well, you’ll need to be clear in your mind as to what you have to do and how to do it!  Clarity is key!

If you’re not clear – it’s not going to flow. I went on a film-writing weekend years ago and the teacher said that he didn’t write one single word of the actual script until he’d worked out every character, every nuance, every scene, every detail – and once it was all crystal clear in his mind, he said the script wrote itself. Ooh, I like it.

Then, another great hurdle can be that whole thing of ‘where’ to start. Well how about this – it probably doesn’t matter. ‘Poke holes’ in the problem. If it’s a tricky letter that you’re blocked in writing – then maybe start with the envelope and a stamp. Good start. Ok – how about topping the letter with the address, date and Dear xxx greeting. Done. See what I mean about poking holes? The problem shrinks a little with every little bit you can do…and looks easier and more achievable as a result. It’s the same metaphor by another name as that one about the big and scary Elephant, too large to tackle. So ask yourself the age old question: How do you eat an elephant? Answer: One bite at a time. Every bite counts so get stuck in, anywhere and shrink the elephant calorie by calorie.

One of the last aspects to mention here is that some people can focus more easily on self and on the task – and others of us are much more motivated by doing things for other people. If you’re one of the latter (my hand’s up!) then find a reason to do the work to please others. Eg When the task is completed, I can spend quality time with other people….or donate some of the income from it to a charity etc etc. Make it about other people to create your own motivation factor. When I took my brown belt grading in karate, it was so gruelling that I got to the stage where I couldn’t dig any deeper and began not to care what damage I personally received (ouch)…so the instructor turned it around and made another person that was grading suffer whenever I failed a task. Oh dear. That was MUCH more motivating for me. Double ouch.

Finally, Roald Dahl (brilliant writer) had a firm belief in giving oneself treats. Not too many, mind – and not too lavish, probably. But we all like rewards and treats (well, I do) and so think of one and then do something to deserve it!

Now, enough of reading blogs. Make a comment below if you want – and then go and get on with your most important task without any further delay. If not for you, then do it for me? Go on!

We all have internal benchmark systems as a means of making a judgement about something.

However, I often find that clients who come to me for NLP coaching, are operating two different benchmark systems:

A kind and forgiving one that they apply to other people…

A harsher, more demanding one they apply to themselves in which they mainly notice the negative behaviour and rarely the positive…

For example, if you fumble a few words during a presentation, how do you feel?  If someone else fumbles a few words – what do you think?   If you forget to send a pal a birthday card, what does your benchmark tell you? And if a pal forgets your birthday?

Oh dear.  It seems we can be much quicker off the mark to find fault with ourselves than patting ourselves on the back.  Perhaps we think this will teach us the lesson about doing better next time..motivate ourselves with the stick of self-recrimination to achieve more?  Hmm.  On the other hand, what if every bit of self-recrimination stole a bit of our self-confidence.  What if every ‘Omg, what did I do that for?’….and every negative post mortem, actually contributed to poorer future performance?

You know, I wouldn’t want to know someone who watched a 1 year old trying to walk, and scolded them for ‘flomping’ (my made up word!) down to the floor as their little legs gave way.  It’s all part of the process – walking, flomping down, getting up…walking a few more steps…and so on.  In fact, we’d never say: “Oh little Marky tried walking today but it didn’t work out”.  Surely we’d see every little wobbly step as a positive victory, well on the way to being able to achieve walking.

And that’s what I’m advocating for us grown ups too (actually, why just the grown-ups…everyone really!).  You’ve maybe heard of the NLP maxim:

There is no failure, only feedback.

Well – take it on board.  Here’s another one:

No one is perfect.  I am no one.  Therefore I’m perfect!

Love it.

So, take that over-high, over-harsh benchmark of yours and remove some off the end!  Cut it back down to size and instead, grow your arm for patting yourself on the back and giving yourself a hug.  From self-love will grow self-belief, self-reliance and resourcefulness -  and from that, all good things grow.

PS Do you agree?  Let me know what you think!

Now, hopefully we’re many decades away from that scenario and there’s PLENTY of time ahead.

The thing is though – when you are finally there, thinking back on your life, I do not want you to have to use any of your last remaining energy on kicking yourself!

So now is the time to ask: what will you be very cross with YOU about, for NOT doing?   The saying is that we rarely regret actions we have taken, and are much more likely to regret the things we haven’t done.  Therefore, your task for today is to think what you haven’t done, that’s in your control, and that you’ll really regret not doing.  Little things or bigger things.  What are they and when could you do them (and, er, why haven’t you already done them)?  Get that Bucket List going pronto (ie things to do before we all kick the you-know-what)!

And whilst you’re about it…is there anything unsaid, that perhaps should be said, whilst you still can?  I’d also hate for you to be on that proverbial deathbed with a guilty conscience!  Actually Coco Chanel said:

“Guilt is perhaps the most painful companion of death!”

Ouch…and  a chap called Peter McWilliams said:

“Guilt is anger directed at ourselves.”     Ouch again.

I’d better stop this blog immediately, because there must be people I have to say sorry to, lots to tell ‘I love you’ – and a trip to Alaska to plan.  I really want to see Alaska and would be very cross with myself if I never make that happen!