Be kind to yourself
Published May 17, 2009 | 
We all have internal benchmark systems as a means of making a judgement about something.
However, I often find that clients who come to me for NLP coaching, are operating two different benchmark systems:
A kind and forgiving one that they apply to other people…
A harsher, more demanding one they apply to themselves in which they mainly notice the negative behaviour and rarely the positive…
For example, if you fumble a few words during a presentation, how do you feel? If someone else fumbles a few words – what do you think? If you forget to send a pal a birthday card, what does your benchmark tell you? And if a pal forgets your birthday?
Oh dear. It seems we can be much quicker off the mark to find fault with ourselves than patting ourselves on the back. Perhaps we think this will teach us the lesson about doing better next time..motivate ourselves with the stick of self-recrimination to achieve more? Hmm. On the other hand, what if every bit of self-recrimination stole a bit of our self-confidence. What if every ‘Omg, what did I do that for?’….and every negative post mortem, actually contributed to poorer future performance?
You know, I wouldn’t want to know someone who watched a 1 year old trying to walk, and scolded them for ‘flomping’ (my made up word!) down to the floor as their little legs gave way. It’s all part of the process – walking, flomping down, getting up…walking a few more steps…and so on. In fact, we’d never say: “Oh little Marky tried walking today but it didn’t work out”. Surely we’d see every little wobbly step as a positive victory, well on the way to being able to achieve walking.
And that’s what I’m advocating for us grown ups too (actually, why just the grown-ups…everyone really!). You’ve maybe heard of the NLP maxim:
There is no failure, only feedback.
Well – take it on board. Here’s another one:
No one is perfect. I am no one. Therefore I’m perfect!
Love it.
So, take that over-high, over-harsh benchmark of yours and remove some off the end! Cut it back down to size and instead, grow your arm for patting yourself on the back and giving yourself a hug. From self-love will grow self-belief, self-reliance and resourcefulness - and from that, all good things grow.
PS Do you agree? Let me know what you think!
Posted in Uncategorised | 
Benchmark Systems, Birthday Card, Failure, Few Words, Fumble, Grown Ups, Judgement, Legs, Love, Maxim, Nlp, Omg, Pal, People, Post Mortem, Recrimination, Self Confidence, Ups, Victory | 
Leave a commentOn your deathbed
Published May 12, 2009 | Now, hopefully we’re many decades away from that scenario and there’s PLENTY of time ahead.
The thing is though – when you are finally there, thinking back on your life, I do not want you to have to use any of your last remaining energy on kicking yourself!
So now is the time to ask: what will you be very cross with YOU about, for NOT doing? The saying is that we rarely regret actions we have taken, and are much more likely to regret the things we haven’t done. Therefore, your task for today is to think what you haven’t done, that’s in your control, and that you’ll really regret not doing. Little things or bigger things. What are they and when could you do them (and, er, why haven’t you already done them)? Get that Bucket List going pronto (ie things to do before we all kick the you-know-what)!
And whilst you’re about it…is there anything unsaid, that perhaps should be said, whilst you still can? I’d also hate for you to be on that proverbial deathbed with a guilty conscience! Actually Coco Chanel said:
“Guilt is perhaps the most painful companion of death!”
Ouch…and a chap called Peter McWilliams said:
“Guilt is anger directed at ourselves.” Ouch again.
I’d better stop this blog immediately, because there must be people I have to say sorry to, lots to tell ‘I love you’ – and a trip to Alaska to plan. I really want to see Alaska and would be very cross with myself if I never make that happen!
Posted in Uncategorised | Alaska, Anger, Blog, Chap, Coco Chanel, Companion, Control, Deathbed, Decades, Guilt, Guilty Conscience, Ouch, Peter Mcwilliams, Plenty Of Time | 1 CommentIS IT OK TO BE SELFISH?
Published May 7, 2009 | For many of us, our own needs come way down in the pecking order…behind children (even when they’ve left home!), partner, friends, the dog, the hamster…well, everyone else really! In fact, asserting our own wishes can be a win-lose situation because it can be at the expense of feeling guilty (either self-imposed or encouraged by family members or colleagues perhaps!) – and there’s no fun in that, alas.
You know, as a life coach and NLP therapist, I see people who are trying to make something better in their lives. It might be about releasing themselves from phobias, past memories, limiting beliefs….or perhaps it’s about gaining confidence, a greater sense of identity or achieving goals. As part of the process, I might ask them to write out a list of the most important folk in their lives. In fact, let’s all do it right now – just jot down the top 7 names that come to mind. I’ll wait!
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Now, have you ever travelled on a plane? If so, can you remember what the cabin crew or safety message tells you to do, in the event of a loss of cabin pressure and the oxygen masks dropping down for use: “… if you are travelling with children/elderly…” whose mask do you put on first?
Yes, you’re there. The answer is to put your OWN mask on before helping others. Of course! If you keel over because you haven’t done so, then actually you’re no use at all to anyone, least of all to those who depend on you!
Sometimes, not always, but occasionally, it really is necessary to ‘put your own mask on first’. If you are over-stressed, low, exhausted, invisible maybe – or just in need of a little time out for a boost….then that’s what you should do….a bit of TLC for YOU. What sort of TLC, I’ll leave up to you – but mine includes attempting watercolour painting (little talent but much enjoyment!) or meeting up with a friend. Another personal favourite is heading up to bed early with TV remote control and a mug of tea in hand! Yes, I know I should be reading worthy books and improving my mind instead – but I like watching telly and I especially like watching it in bed (so sue me!).
SO…back to your list of 7 names above – have a look. Did you remember to put yourself down as one of the 7, or is it purely a list of everyone else that’s large in your life? Oh dear. Tut tut! Come on, if you’re the sort of person who props up the whole family or perhaps are relied on at work or by friends far too much – imagine the effect of you not being there at all! Reaching ‘burn out’ stage or ill health is clearly best avoided – so instead, build into your life a means of recharging your own batteries. Without your own health and wellbeing, you just aren’t able to support those who look to you for support.…so sometimes, putting your needs first, your oxygen mask on first….is actually doing a favour to all who are important to you. This blog therefore, officially entitles you to allow yourself a little bit of guilt-free ‘Me Time’ – and in my book, a touch of selfishness is not only OK, it’s positively healthy! Now where’s that remote control?
Posted in Uncategorised | Achieving Goals, Cabin Crew, Colleagues, Family Members, Gaining Confidence, Hamster, Helping Others, Jot Down, Life Coach, Little Time, Mask, Memories, Oxygen, Pecking Order, Phobias, Safety Message, Time Out, Tlc, Travelling With Children, Tv Remote Control | Leave a commentUsing NLP Technique: Meta Mirror Exercise
Published May 5, 2009 | There’s an old expression that recommends walking a mile in someone else’s shoes before you judge them….and there’s an NLP technique that has that very quality about it. It’s called the Meta MirrorTechnique. You’ll come across many different variations of this – but I’ll share one version of Meta Technique with you now and how I used it personally.
Often Meta exercises are about tackling a relationship with which you are unhappy. So there’s YOU and someone (or something) else. Examples might be you and your mother in law…you and your partner…you and your boss etc. However, think wider than that – you might have a less-than-appropriate relationship with money…with your health…with religion. So Meta technique can be used to tackle any relationship difficulty – and my personal example, (don’t laugh too hard) was when I decided to do something about the clutter in our house! I wanted to work on my relationship with Clutter!
For the exercise, you establish 3-4 different areas in the space or room you are in. I put 3 cushions on the floor in a triangle to represent:
Position 1 – represents YOURSELF
Position 2 – represents The RELATIONSHIP (in my case: clutter)
Position 3- represents SUPER YOU – yay!
(Position 4 – you might even want to have a 4th position, representing SUPER DUPER YOU – double yay!)
So to start, I went and stood in Position 1 and was ‘myself’ – looking at Position 2, which I had deemed to represent Clutter. Oh the power of metaphor! I then thought about Clutter – what it looked like, how I felt about it, what caused it etc – and spoke to that area of the room, pouring out all my negative feelings of how I hated Clutter, how it wasn’t fun and that I felt ‘brought down’ by it. Got that off my chest then!
I then had a little break (called Breaking State)…shook myself off, had a sip of water, and then went to Position 2. Here I was no longer ‘me’ – I was Clutter! I had to think and speak exactly as though I was Clutter. Looking over to Position 1, I found myself able to perceive and vocalise a different viewpoint. ”Well, the trouble is, I don’t want to be Clutter. I am mostly made up of lovely items and that’s what I want to be – nice things, beautifully displayed, appreciated and enjoyed. I need to be separated out, placed in the right place or thrown out if I’m no use – not jumbled up and causing a blockage in energy and space. I hate being a mess, I want to be appreciated again.” Break State again. Hmm. Food for thought. Position 3 next – and there I was Super Jane – able to look at Position 1 and 2 and able to take into account both viewpoints.
From the new Position 3 Super-Jane viewpoint, it wasn’t quite as black and white as I’d first presupposed. In fact, both Jane (me!) and the Clutter wanted the same thing really – to have no Clutter and to have everything in its place, being enjoyed and used. Gosh. And so now, as Super-Jane, what could I suggest? Well, durr, Super-Jane could quite easily see that Jane needed to separate out the Clutter into the categories of Junk or Precious, but the process had to be made more fun with bouncy music…and then time had to be found to display these items appropriately so they were no longer Clutter. In fact, that process, not only got rid of Clutter – but resurrected hidden Treasures that could be loved again. And who doesn’t want to be loved?! Awww. It reminded me of the character Woody in Toy Story when he’s superseded by the Buzz Lightyear toy… Oh no. That’s what I had done to some lovely items by not storing/displaying them properly.
So, that is the essence of the Meta technique – you end up viewing things from a new perspective, hearing new and helpful viewpoints (albeit from your own mouth!)…and finding fresh solutions to a relationship that had previously bugged you. You can keep moving back and forth between the various Positions, always ‘being’ the character that that Position represents, until resolution is reached….and resolving these relationship conflicts in this way (even though it’s just You ‘playing’ all the parts in this ‘play’) has a positive Reframing effect that completely spills over into ‘reality’.
I’ll just finish by adding that one chap I coached who loathed his female boss…did this exercise with my assistance, working on his relationship with her in this way. When he contacted me after his first day back at work again, he said he needn’t have done the exercise actually, because when he saw her the next time, she’d changed and was now nice. Ha ha. Funny that!
Top Tips to Overcome Fear of Public Speaking
Published May 4, 2009 |
Well of course, we all speak in public – it’s just when it’s ‘proper’ public speaking (ie when you’re standing up talking to a group who are listening just to you), that it all kicks off!
When I run my short courses on how to be a happy public speaker, I frequently hear that people are FINE talking one to one – they aren’t tongue-tied, nor self-conscious. The words flow, eloquence pervades and they speak with confidence. But then – if you put those same people into the Public Speaking scenario – everything changes. Fear, dry mouth, forgetting the words, pinched voice, boring tone, shaky hands etc. Oh my!
We’ve heard that fear of public speaking is the No.1 fear – and fear of dying, ranks third! Lol. That’s a bit mad – but it’s actually a commonly held view. So what’s the difference between talking to one person or even 2 or 3 people – and the whole ‘standing up in front of an audience’ thing? Well, mostly – it’s the concept, the thought of it, the perspective – all those things to do with frame of mind. And what a shame that is. Being able to express yourself and communicate your message enthusiastically and clearly, is such a strong card to have in your hand – and with networking being the main way to gain new business these days, it’s also a vital card to have.
If you can’t attend my next course, then here’s a few TIPS for you, towards being a happy public speaker:
* When you stand to speak, soften your knees. Tightened knees and straight legs tend to lead to a more constricted, higher voice! Bendzeknees!
* When you stand to speak, avoid rearranging your clothes, covering your face with your hands or fidgeting.
* Look at your audience and smile. Show them they are in good hands. If you’re nervous, they become it too – and that gets in the way of the message you’re conveying.
* Absolutely never read words verbatum from paper, ie a pre-written word for word script. It completely gets in the way of your rapport and relationship with the audience. Have some notes if you wish, on postcard-sized card (doesn’t shake as much as A4 paper…and can go in your pocket or handbag too).
* Better to speak with slightly less detail, but speak with passion and enthusiasm, engaging your audience with your eyes, voice and body language.
* Remember, you are the expert on what you are about to say: noone else has heard it – it’s the first time for them – so speak with conviction and speak slowly. Pause for breath!
* My final tip today is to do with the Before and After of Public Speaking. Before: No, no, no to projecting negative thoughts ahead and allowing yourself to build up fear! Just prepare properly and rehearse your words a bit in readiness. And After? No, no, no to beating yourself with a big stick about any bits that you think didn’t go right. Not allowed! Just take the learning, pat yourself on the back for the great stuff – and then onward and forward.
I’m not sure quite how I became such a happy public speaker. I think I faced my Gremlins head on, decades ago, perhaps. What seems to be certain is that whenever I’m an After Dinner Speaker, as sure as eggs are eggs, I’ll spill some sauce or gravy down the front of my top, before I have to get up to speak! I need a Pelican Bib on, like a baby. One time, sitting at the top table of a posh dinner event, I saw the inevitable soup spillage on me and yet, there was no time to dash to the loo to change or wash it. So, I lifted up the tablecloth edge, sunk low in my chair, and then somehow managed to slip my arms inside my top, swivel the top around, put my arms back through and voila – I had it on back-to-front. Of course, the label showed – but you can’t have everything! Ha. These days though, I just stand up, point to the stain and ask – “Anyone else do this too? No? Just me then!!”….and get on with the talk.
More secrets and tips to follow in future blogs. Let’s get everyone in to the frame of mind of being happy, enthusiastic, fun public speakers. But hey, don’t put me out of business!
The happy public speaker
Published May 2, 2009 | Last week I gave a talk about NLP to a group of ladies. I’ve previously talked on another topic to this group in Wickford, Essex (and very friendly and welcoming they were) – but this time I was talking about NLP coaching, uses and techniques.
The topic of phobias caught their imagination straight away. “Who here has a phobia?” Hands shot up all round the room! You’d have thought I’d asked: Who here would like a ten pound note?! All sorts of phobias appeared: Birds…snakes… mice/rats….flying….lifts. Pick a phobia, any phobia. Yes, these were classics – and the ladies shared their stories and we nodded and smiled…and then I told them about other phobias that clients had presented with – fear of buttons, fear of insects, fear of condoms (that was a new one on me at the time), fear of being sick and even fear of blushing.
That last fear manifested in a charming executive who had made a small joke during a board meeting, and found that all the attention he gained, made him blush – making his ears go red, in turn. Someone asked if he was ok, because his ears were red….and that was it – he was mortified and the fear was established. Poor chap; what an unfortunate result. After that, he became quieter and quieter at work, trying not to attract attention…and it was a downward spiral leading to beta-blockers and constant visits to the Gents, to splash water on his face (getting rid of any potential redness).
Anyway, our NLP coaching session together quickly helped this super young man to ‘reframe’ – you know, able to put a new perspective on it all and see it in a different light. Within minutes after that, he was laughing at the incident and able to shrink that mountain back into a mole hill again. Bless!
So hooray for the results of NLP coaching – and thank you to the Wickford ladies for making me so welcome – once more! In fact, they’ve heard me speak 3 or 4 times in total and have now said that they’re going to start all over again, having me back to give exactly the same talks!