Author Archive

I’m fortunate enough not to have personal experience of divorce and the legal system courts, CAFCASS and such-like (my husband’s shouting out: YET!).  However, from the little I’ve learned, there isn’t much on offer in the way of emotional support throughout the process, for the adults and children involved.

How can that be? With such a roller-coaster of emotions to negotiate, it’s come as a real surprise to me that there isn’t a well-established coaching system already in place for this in the UK – as the ‘norm’.

CLIENTS TOO TEARFUL TO MAKE DECISIONS

I have recently been in discussions with the matrimonial dept of a large firm of solicitors, with the possibility of becoming part of the extended team available to clients, who might benefit from supportive coaching.  It was their idea and a very creative one too.  One solicitor told me that sometimes clients are too tearful for it to be appropriate to press for important decisions to be taken at such a time.  Indeed, using your solicitor’s office as a counselling room, could be an expensive therapy, methinks.

DIVORCE COACHES

Apparently other countries (eg Canada) have Divorce Coaches available to ‘see you through’ the turmoil of the process and out the other side as resourcefully and emotionally intact as possible.  What a great idea!

NLP-BASED COACHING – WOULD THIS BE OF USE?

So I’m thinking that I will extend my services to cover this aspect.  Without any accurate research as yet, my guess is that the services I already offer, may well encompass exactly what’s needed.  This is about supportive and caring NLP-based coaching sessions, whereby I help people deal with anger, sadness, guilt, regret and lack of ability to trust.  I coach people who have had the rug pulled out from under them.  I facilitate others to see the wood for the trees or find their inner confidence/self-esteem and move forward.  I coach children and adults who are lost souls or are living with fear and uncertainty.  I see children with nightmares or with clingy, unsure behaviour, always afraid to give an answer, in case it might be wrong. Not my area of expertise, but I have helped a few self-harming children too, as well as others with eating disorders.   So, as I say, my guess is that these might be some of the aspects that possibly need addressing during a divorce….but perhaps you can let me know whether I’m right or not?

MOVING OUT OF THE COMFORT ZONE

Under all circumstances though, divorce is change and change is challenging and requires an adjustment of the comfort zone.   It must surely be of help, therefore, to speak to someone impartial, non-judgemental and willing to really, really listen without ‘you should do this and that’ responses.

FIRST UK DIVORCE COACH?

So I’m up for setting sail in this direction and wonder, will I be the first Divorce Coach in the UK or are there others of you out there already?

NLP – evil or good?

I put out a tweet asking for suggestions for a new blog topic for this NLP-based coaching blogsite of mine…and received a reply asking if I could somewhat restore someone’s faith in NLP/practitioners because this tweeter had seen too many examples of NLP being used in a manipulative way. Oh dear!! That’s not good! Not good at all.

GORDON GEKKO:

It had never occurred to me that there was a school of thought out there about this amazing form of transformational coaching being used for ‘evil’ not good. How naive of me! Of course….ANYthing can be misused, so why not this? If I was sent on an NLP in business course by a ‘Gordon Gekko’s greed is good’ type of company…then there never would be an intention to use the techniques for helpful coaching of others…it would all be about unfair manipulation to make money. Trance talk and matching/mirroring techniques for example, could be very powerful and persuasive in a sales situation.

EVIL NLP:

I’ve trawled around the internet under the topic ‘Evil NLP’ and I’ve been staggered to see some vehemently negative comments proclaiming it to be oversold, overhyped and misused by NLP supersalesmen/sharks…getting rich…making big claims…and …hurting people without ethical restrictions. Oh my.

Well in fairness, it’s not the NLP techniques themselves that are “evil” – it’s all a question of their use and the intention by the user. The expression ‘if it works, it’s NLP’ would apply to both ‘good’ and ‘evil’ use, naturally. Dr Shipman comes to mind – skills/talent/learning contra-used.

NLP SKILLS:

Personally, I was interested in learning these skills for the purpose of self-development and for coaching others towards happier and more successful lives. I haven’t regretted doing so for a single moment and the learning has shaped my life differently, and that of my family too. It’s given me a sense of resourcefulness for tackling life’s hurdles and a great ‘eat the elephant one bit at a time’ mentality, to overcome ‘mentally projected’ barriers. It’s given me a career too and a powerful set of tools with which to help others. And I do. I really do help others. And sometimes it’s been a life-saver for the people I meet – truly. Adults, children, business folk, bereaved, lonely, phobic, lost, shy, anxious, wounded, stressed, sad, limited, bullied, angry, confused…people for whom the rug has been pulled out from under them and people who have forgotten who they are. And then there are those who just want to be even more confident, feel even more focussed, give better presentations and achieve their goals faster – and I facilitate them too using my NLP-based coaching. It’s a joy.

One little girl arrived, not having laughed for over a year. Her mother was waiting in another room – and heard her daughter able to, at last, laugh out loud during our coaching session. Another client arrived heavy-heavy with thoughts and sadness, and later floated lightly and smiling back to their car. My chef husband notices the way people arrive and the different way they leave and, in the beginning, used to say: “Tell me again, WHAT are you doing with them in that room of yours?”

Other clients have left healthier – and one example is a lady who arrived streaming with profound Hay Fever, having had this for over 20 years – and left 30 minutes later without it (and it’s never returned in the last 4 years). One of my agoraphobic clients was unable to leave their house at all – and so I coached them simply with a few emails and after two days – they went to London on the train! What?! Yes, even I’m surprised, amazed, delighted with some of the results and I’m not a cynic!

I’m not as well-read as some other NLP master practitioners. I’m more about the ‘doing’ than the ‘theory’. I probably blur together one or two techniques. I don’t remember the formal names of some of the methodologies either. But no matter – I coach from the heart, with creativity and care.

THANK YOU:

So, back to the original tweet and tweeter. Thank you. You’ve opened my eyes to a whole different viewpoint out there about this NLP stuff that I hold dearly. And I should have known – ‘the map is not the territory’ and all those presuppositions that NLPers quote. Well, my map has this coaching clearly marked as ‘good’, nay, ‘great’, when used with integrity, elegance, appropriateness, kindness and even a bit of love. I hope that THAT can be your future experience of NLP too. Will you give it another chance?

We used to keep a pair of goats and sadly, one of them died, leaving us with a single goat. However an ‘alone’ goat is a sad goat to be sure and when Gordon passed away leaving just Bennett, the lonely goat was so distressed our only options were for us to either move into his stable with him – or have him move into the house with us. We chose the latter (hmm – ever seen a goat watch TV – I have!) ….and next day we urgently found Bennett a companion goat (Joshua!) to both live outside!

Goats aren't the only flocking animal - are you one?

Well, goats aren’t the only ‘flocking’ animal; it can be vital for all of us to be connected to others too. That doesn’t mean we can’t live alone – but it refers to someone, some group, something…to whom we can feel connected? For some of us this is a partner and maybe children. For others it may be extended family. Then there’s Facebook or Friends Reunited…being a football team supporter… having colleagues at work…owning a pet…and of course, religion – a sense of being part of God’s family.

Sometimes it’s in the sharing of a story with friends, or the showing of the holiday photos to the family, that it can all be enjoyed even better than the original experience – have you noticed that?

Even if you are a Lighthouse Keeper, it’s important to have some sense of connection on this planet. Actually, that should be: especially if you’re a Lighthouse Keeper! Indeed, beware the absolute loner who has no tie-ups at all….the person whom the neighbours have no idea who they are…for that can spell trouble.

Well, it seems that our goats knew a thing or two. So just take a moment to think about your ‘connectedness’ – and if it’s looking a little sparce, why not consider joining a club, volunteering with a group or finding some other way to connect to a few more people for chat, camaraderie and laughs. Go on, my friend. It’ll do you good!

It’s a poor NLP pun, this spelling of ought-ism -  but it’s a good reminder to notice when we use the words ‘ought’, ‘must’ or ‘should’.  They are reproachful sticks to beat ourselves with!

Chocolate cake?  I ought not to

I should be half a stone lighter

I must ring my mother

I ought to clean this car

Ought, must and should can be about levels of behaviours, guilty consciences and failed benchmarks.

I met a lady who loves to read – but hears a voice in her head every time she opens a book:  Ann: you should do the washing up first….or….  Ann: you ought to do the ironing before you read.

Well, according to whom?

So firstly, let’s establish: there are no Ought Police.  You actually do have choice.  Do you WANT to read right now and choose to wash up another time?  Fair enough.  Do you WANT that cake with both its delicious taste and its calories?  It’s up to you!  You must ring your mother, must you?  Well, you can choose to, or not to, and there may or may not be consequences: but you DO have the choice.

So be wary of creating your own Nanny State full of ought, must and should rules.  What do you choose to do?  What do you choose not to do?  It’s good to have options!