Posts Tagged ‘Guilt’

I love those witty prosaic sayings like: I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore I’m perfect! Yay! They’re easy to remember, usually make me smile and often give me pause for thought.

They can even enable a major shift or ‘reframe’ of a situation: Someone whom I know carries great anger for someone else, read a little phrase I had printed out: Holding a grudge against someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die...and they literally had a lightbulb moment (an ‘Aha!’).

Metaphors have a way of speaking to our inner selves that other language can’t match. When I’m training others in the art of making memorable presentation speeches, I always recommend finding analogies and metaphors to support the facts – it makes them so much more palatable! Also, when I create handbooks to accompany my training courses, I include an appropriate ‘bon mot’ at the bottom of each page – usually beginning on page one with: Sorry I’m late. I’ll leave early to make up for it. This often breaks the ice regarding late arrivers!

The internet is a great place to pick up these one-liners, many of which are anonymous, eg:

• Success comes in cans
• If you want to forget all your other troubles, wear too tight shoes

However, a few are attributable, such as:

• “Why not go out on a limb? That’s where the fruit is” Will Rogers
• ”Do not let what you cannot do, interfere with what you can do” John Warden
• “Two monologues do not make a dialogue” Jeff Daly

Often I don’t know of the person who originated the quote, though there are a few exceptions, such as:

• “It’s a funny thing, the more I practice, the luckier I get” Arnold Palmer

…but recently I wrote a blog and quoted a chap called Peter McWilliams, when I put:

“Guilt is anger directed at ourselves.” I had simply got this quote from the net as usual, just because I liked the words – but suddenly I’ve become aware of a tiny bit about the man behind the words…and it’s made the sentence unexpectedly real and special.

It’s actually the 10^th anniversary of Peter’s death this year (1949 to 2000). A Wikipedia style summary says things like: ‘He was a writer of best-selling self-help books and in later years …terminally ill with AIDS and cancer, he became a vocal campaigner for the legalisation of medical cannabis.’ Well, I don’t really know anything about those aspects of Peter’s life: my relationship with him is new. However, have you had a look at this fellow? Have you seen his expressive, amazing, life-full face? (www.myspace.com/petermcwilliamstribute) And when you see that face, then add in some of his poetry, books or even just some of his quotes…such as:

• “Health is more than just the absence of illness, health is the presence of aliveness, energy, joy”
• “Comfort zones are most often expanded through discomfort.”
• “Mistakes show us what we need to learn.”
• “It’s your life. Live it with people who are alive. It tends to be contagious.”
• “Fear is something to be moved through, not something to be turned from.”
• “To overcome a fear, here’s all you have to do: realise the fear is there, and do the action you fear anyway.”

…and my favourite yet:

• “To the degree we’re not living our dreams, our comfort zone has more control of us than we have over ourselves.”

….and if you’re like me, you feel the words and perceive the face – and what you get is a profound sense of loss. A loss of someone I never met? And yet it’s true: I know I miss him. How do you do that, Peter McWilliams? You are indeed the Food For Thought generator. And on that note, have any of you ever played that silly word game about planning the perfect dinner party – and who would you invite along (dead or alive, historical or current). Well, I’ve just discovered the man I want to sit next to at dinner and so you all had better find someone else interesting, because I intend to monopolise my guest the whole evening long to learn and ask what I need to, before I leave it too, too late again.

I’m fortunate enough not to have personal experience of divorce and the legal system courts, CAFCASS and such-like (my husband’s shouting out: YET!).  However, from the little I’ve learned, there isn’t much on offer in the way of emotional support throughout the process, for the adults and children involved.

How can that be? With such a roller-coaster of emotions to negotiate, it’s come as a real surprise to me that there isn’t a well-established coaching system already in place for this in the UK – as the ‘norm’.

CLIENTS TOO TEARFUL TO MAKE DECISIONS

I have recently been in discussions with the matrimonial dept of a large firm of solicitors, with the possibility of becoming part of the extended team available to clients, who might benefit from supportive coaching.  It was their idea and a very creative one too.  One solicitor told me that sometimes clients are too tearful for it to be appropriate to press for important decisions to be taken at such a time.  Indeed, using your solicitor’s office as a counselling room, could be an expensive therapy, methinks.

DIVORCE COACHES

Apparently other countries (eg Canada) have Divorce Coaches available to ‘see you through’ the turmoil of the process and out the other side as resourcefully and emotionally intact as possible.  What a great idea!

NLP-BASED COACHING – WOULD THIS BE OF USE?

So I’m thinking that I will extend my services to cover this aspect.  Without any accurate research as yet, my guess is that the services I already offer, may well encompass exactly what’s needed.  This is about supportive and caring NLP-based coaching sessions, whereby I help people deal with anger, sadness, guilt, regret and lack of ability to trust.  I coach people who have had the rug pulled out from under them.  I facilitate others to see the wood for the trees or find their inner confidence/self-esteem and move forward.  I coach children and adults who are lost souls or are living with fear and uncertainty.  I see children with nightmares or with clingy, unsure behaviour, always afraid to give an answer, in case it might be wrong. Not my area of expertise, but I have helped a few self-harming children too, as well as others with eating disorders.   So, as I say, my guess is that these might be some of the aspects that possibly need addressing during a divorce….but perhaps you can let me know whether I’m right or not?

MOVING OUT OF THE COMFORT ZONE

Under all circumstances though, divorce is change and change is challenging and requires an adjustment of the comfort zone.   It must surely be of help, therefore, to speak to someone impartial, non-judgemental and willing to really, really listen without ‘you should do this and that’ responses.

FIRST UK DIVORCE COACH?

So I’m up for setting sail in this direction and wonder, will I be the first Divorce Coach in the UK or are there others of you out there already?

Now, hopefully we’re many decades away from that scenario and there’s PLENTY of time ahead.

The thing is though – when you are finally there, thinking back on your life, I do not want you to have to use any of your last remaining energy on kicking yourself!

So now is the time to ask: what will you be very cross with YOU about, for NOT doing?   The saying is that we rarely regret actions we have taken, and are much more likely to regret the things we haven’t done.  Therefore, your task for today is to think what you haven’t done, that’s in your control, and that you’ll really regret not doing.  Little things or bigger things.  What are they and when could you do them (and, er, why haven’t you already done them)?  Get that Bucket List going pronto (ie things to do before we all kick the you-know-what)!

And whilst you’re about it…is there anything unsaid, that perhaps should be said, whilst you still can?  I’d also hate for you to be on that proverbial deathbed with a guilty conscience!  Actually Coco Chanel said:

“Guilt is perhaps the most painful companion of death!”

Ouch…and  a chap called Peter McWilliams said:

“Guilt is anger directed at ourselves.”     Ouch again.

I’d better stop this blog immediately, because there must be people I have to say sorry to, lots to tell ‘I love you’ – and a trip to Alaska to plan.  I really want to see Alaska and would be very cross with myself if I never make that happen!