We all have internal benchmark systems as a means of making a judgement about something.

However, I often find that clients who come to me for NLP coaching, are operating two different benchmark systems:

A kind and forgiving one that they apply to other people…

A harsher, more demanding one they apply to themselves in which they mainly notice the negative behaviour and rarely the positive…

For example, if you fumble a few words during a presentation, how do you feel?  If someone else fumbles a few words – what do you think?   If you forget to send a pal a birthday card, what does your benchmark tell you? And if a pal forgets your birthday?

Oh dear.  It seems we can be much quicker off the mark to find fault with ourselves than patting ourselves on the back.  Perhaps we think this will teach us the lesson about doing better next time..motivate ourselves with the stick of self-recrimination to achieve more?  Hmm.  On the other hand, what if every bit of self-recrimination stole a bit of our self-confidence.  What if every ‘Omg, what did I do that for?’….and every negative post mortem, actually contributed to poorer future performance?

You know, I wouldn’t want to know someone who watched a 1 year old trying to walk, and scolded them for ‘flomping’ (my made up word!) down to the floor as their little legs gave way.  It’s all part of the process – walking, flomping down, getting up…walking a few more steps…and so on.  In fact, we’d never say: “Oh little Marky tried walking today but it didn’t work out”.  Surely we’d see every little wobbly step as a positive victory, well on the way to being able to achieve walking.

And that’s what I’m advocating for us grown ups too (actually, why just the grown-ups…everyone really!).  You’ve maybe heard of the NLP maxim:

There is no failure, only feedback.

Well – take it on board.  Here’s another one:

No one is perfect.  I am no one.  Therefore I’m perfect!

Love it.

So, take that over-high, over-harsh benchmark of yours and remove some off the end!  Cut it back down to size and instead, grow your arm for patting yourself on the back and giving yourself a hug.  From self-love will grow self-belief, self-reliance and resourcefulness -  and from that, all good things grow.

PS Do you agree?  Let me know what you think!